Even though talking about s*x isn’t as taboo as it used to be, some people might still feel awkward talking about it or even asking questions about it.
The thing is, though: it’s totally normal to be interested in learning more about different aspects of s*x. You might be thinking about why your s*x drive is low or how to add a new kink to your bedroom life, but you don’t know who to ask, so you keep Googling that question.
I asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell me what s*x-related questions they have but are too shy or afraid to ask. Then I asked professionals to help me answer them: Dr. Dulcinea Alex Pitagora is a psychotherapist and s*x therapist who works in New York City. Salima M. Ndoye is a psychotherapist who has an LMFT, and Jenni Skyler is a certified s*x therapist, board-certified s*xologist, and licensed marriage and family therapist who has a PhD, LMFT, and CST.
Note: Some responses and questions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Let’s start. Leave any other questions you still want answered in the comments, and I’ll try to answer them in a future post!
1. “I’m a woman of 31 years old who has never had s*x.” I had some health problems in college, so I feel like I missed the time when a lot of my friends were having their first s*x. There are a few people I hang out with, but I don’t go on many dates and haven’t been interested in dating anyone for a long time. I’d like to find a partner, but the longer it goes by, the more I worry that being honest about my lack of s*xual experience with a potential partner would make me look bad. If I hit it off with someone, is it okay to lie or not tell them the truth?”
—Anonymous
Jenni Skyler: I think it’s worth mentioning that having wild s*xual explorations in college years is a social narrative that need not fit everyone. If we obligate ourselves to fit into a substandard narrative, then we aren’t living our most authentic lives.
Being honest and being real are much more appealing to me than lies or exaggerating. If you lie at the beginning of a relationship, it can be hard to keep it up and may even kill you. It will be much more important to you to keep up the lie than to be in the present and let yourself explore.
It’s fine that you don’t have much training; this happens to a lot of people. On different times, we all have different situations. You had health problems that changed the way you explored your s*xuality. This is fine again. If a potential date or partner doesn’t care about this, you shouldn’t go out with them.
If you didn’t have any health problems and just chose not to go, that’s also fine and should be respected by a potential date. Slow down and connect with your better self. That’s where courage and confidence live. This way, you can date and try out s*x at your own pace, which is fun and relaxing.
2. “How can I feel more manly in bed as a trans male?” I think that not having a penis makes it harder for me to be dominant.
—Anonymous
Alex Pitagora’s Dulcinea: The first step is to understand that s*xuality, eroticism, manhood, and power all begin in the mind, not in the bedroom or any other place you like to have s*x. Having or not having a penis doesn’t really matter when it comes to being masculine. For example, a lot of people who are very feminine have penises.
Men and dominance are often thought of in very rigid terms because that’s how we were raised. But manhood and dominance can be shown in many different ways, so you can choose for yourself who you are and how you want to present yourself. The next thing you should know is that if you like being dominant, you’ll need a partner who likes being dominant too, and who also likes being submissive to you.
2. “Is it wrong for me to enjoy having my husband “use my body” to him sometimes?” He has groped me or masturbated on more than one occasion while I was asleep and I woke up to find him doing it.
He promised to be honest about it the next morning after it happened, but he hasn’t done it yet, and I’m disappointed. I told him, “If I agree to it while I’m awake, you can do it to me while I’m asleep,” so he wouldn’t be discouraged from doing it again. He doesn’t know that I was awake for some of it. Is this incorrect? Does what I want have a deeper, darker meaning? Any other time, I would be mad if someone took advantage of someone who was fast asleep. But if this is a healthy and normal habit, are there better ways to tell my husband about it that won’t make either of us look bad? To be clear, I agree with you 100% that permission is the most important thing in a good s*xual relationship. Also, my husband really cares about my mental and physical well-being and happiness in every part of our relationship. Our s*x life is nice, but after seven years together, it’s not very interesting.
—The Unknown
Hey Skyler, Being objectified or “used,” as you said, gets a lot of people excited. Being married or in a committed relationship is great because it lets you be as open and sensitive as possible. This includes using each other as objects. It’s kind of one of the only places where you can objectify and be objectified without fear, because you know it comes from agreement and desire. Some of my clients even hear me say that this is kind of like “sacred objectification.” People who need to be less polite with each other and would rather be a bit more racy and s*xy should objectify each other.
You can tell your husband this by having him read my answer above and telling him how exciting it is when he wakes up in the middle of the night. At this point, it looks like you told him it was okay, but he might think you’re really just agreeing with him and giving him a gift. It turns you on is not the same thing. Hearing our partner’s turn-ons often makes us want to do the same thing.
Don’t move away if he seems embarrassed for some reason. There are a lot of pairs who never talk about their s*x lives because they think it’s weird. Then they suffer alone. Find out why he might be embarrassed, and let him know that it makes you feel good!
4. “My husband and I don’t like the same kinds of s*x at all.” I like it a different way than he does. How can I tell him what I like in a s*xual way without making him angry?”
—Anonymous
Skyler: A lot of pairs have different s*xual tastes and styles. This is fine. Having tastes that don’t exactly match is more common than having tastes that do exactly match.
There are a lot of pairs who never talk about their s*x lives because they think it’s weird. Then they suffer alone. If you think he might get guarded, slow down and get in touch with the interested part of yourself.
People find it hard to defend themselves when you start by being curious. Say something like, “I really like [fill in the blank]” or “I’ve noticed we don’t do this activity very often.” I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on it. After that, “I’m interested.” If it’s not something we both feel okay with, is there a creative way for us to feel the same way?”
When we know that a certain action makes our partner feel good and say, “This makes me feel good,” it’s much easier to listen to what they want and be willing to find a way to meet their needs.
5. “As a woman, will I find that my first time having s*x is more uncomfortable if I’m in my mid-20s?”
—Anonymous
I’m Salima M. Ndoye. Not everyone will go through the same thing. If someone is unhappy, it might not be because of a medical condition but because they are anxious and can’t relax, because they aren’t lubricated enough, or because they aren’t getting into enough foreplay. Tell your partner what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy. It’s important to know when to have s*x and not feel rushed.
6. “My partner is a man, and I’m bis*xual.” I’ve only slept with one woman. All the other people have been guys. My partner and I want to spend the rest of our lives together, but I can’t stop thinking about how I’ll never be able to sleep with a woman again. This thought keeps coming up in my s*xual dreams. How should I deal with this?”
—Anonymous
Pitagora: Since I think you’re in a committed relationship, my first question is: Can you talk to your partner about trying something different? Talk about how you and your partner both understand commitment if your partner is not open to it. This isn’t something monogamous couples usually do, but it can teach you a lot about what makes each of you happy and how you can change the structure of your relationship while still being faithful.
You could be wrong. You might be okay with a stable relationship that can grow to include interacting with women in some way. Your monogamy won’t let you explore in any way, so if not, you might want to take the dreams you already have and bring them into your s*xual relationships with your partner.
7. “I’ve never done a bl*wjob before, and I’m not sure if I should use a condom when the time comes.” I understand that it’s safe to do, but I’m not sure if it’s very usual or how the guy will react. Thanks for any advice!”
—Anonymous
Ndoye: I believe it is important to do what you enjoy and feel safe with. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do something you don’t want to. It can be helpful to talk about your limits before having s*x.
8. “I stopped taking antidepressants not long ago after taking them for four years.” It was known that the drug could cause a low libido. But now that I’m not on them, I’ve noticed that I still have no s*x drive at all. People I talk to say it’s not a big deal and that it does happen. Not for me, though. Before, my libido and s*x life were very healthy. Now, they’re not there at all, and it’s hurting my relationship. Now that I’m not taking the medicine, is there any chance that my libido will come back? How do I get it back?”
—Anonymous
Skyler:
I’m interested in how long it’s been since you last took drugs. It is normal for desire and/or org*sm to be harder to find when you are on an SSRI. Give your body some time to clean now that you’re off. For some SSRIs, this could last anywhere from one to five weeks. Then try to remember what made you happy before you took SSRIs. What dreams did you have? What kinds of touches? Do you still get aroused with the same toys?
It’s important to note that most of the time, we take an SSRI for a good reason. If you only weaned to get your s*x life back, the real reason may still be there, keeping you from experiencing any joy in your life, including s*xual joy. They’re like a band-aid for our pain. They dull the pain so we can do our jobs better in the world, but we still need to do the work inside to fix the wound. Take your time as you get better.
9. “Is it even possible to squirt?” My partner always talks about how great it would be if I squirted, but I have no idea if it’s even possible or how to make it happen.
—Anonymous
Pitagora: Yes, it is, but everyone’s body is different, so it’s not always possible or even good for everyone. People often squirt while they’re having an org*sm, but sometimes they don’t. Org*sms can feel different when they happen at the same time as squirting. More often than not, people who squirt get there by stimulating the G-spot while feeling very excited, however, that works for you. If you want to learn more, go to Kink Academy and look for “squirting.”
10. I am a straight man who wants to have anal play. How do I go about doing that?”
—Anonymous
Pitagora: Start by getting used to talking about your wants and needs. Then, tell your partner about it and talk about how you can work together to make it fun for both of you. Take some time to play with anal toys if you’ve never had open anal s*x before (don’t forget to use a lot of lube!).
Ask your partner to go very slowly the first time. Spend a lot of time getting excited, however, that works for you. Use a lot of lube, touch the opening of the anus, and start with one or two well-oiled fingers (gloved hands often feel better). Then, slowly move on to a smaller toy. Slow down, use more lube, and/or switch back to fingers if it hurts. It doesn’t have to hurt unless you want it to.
11. “I just started therapy after dealing with the death of the person who abused me as a child. I’m 35 years old.” Can you tell me how to have more s*x in a healthy, safe way?”
—Anonymous
Skyler: I believe that a good therapist can make a big difference in this situation. I would even look for a professional who specializes in helping people who have been s*xually abused. It’s very bad to be abused as a child. What you just said is a huge violation that can cause a lot of physical and mental pain. For some survivors, it can be even more difficult because they found the s*xual touch enjoyable, even though they knew it was wrong. In either case, our libido can be shut down.
As soon as you tell everyone that you want to develop healthy relationships, you are already well on your way. It’s also helpful to find a partner who knows you need to go slow and pause during s*x when you might be easily upset. There is a lot of gray area when survivors say yes to s*x or certain s*xual behaviors. Instead of giving vague permission, it’s important to know what you want and need, as well as your limits. Almost as important, being able to say what you want and set limits will help you get the enjoyable, mutually agreeable s*x you want.
Last but not least, you might want to read some books to help you on your way, like The Body Keeps the Score and Victims No Longer.
12. “Is it normal for penetrative s*x to feel too much sometimes?” It’s not always painful, but more like being overstimulated.”
—Anonymous
Pitagora:
I try not to use the word “normal” to describe any kind of s*x because the body can feel so many different things. Most people think that penetrative vaginal s*x is “normal,” but if it’s too much for you or not fun, it might not be the best choice. Also, it doesn’t always mean there’s something wrong with you.
You might enjoy other ways of having s*x more, which is good news. I would pay attention to the types of s*x that make you feel good and have more of them. If you want to have penetrative s*x, try masturbating with smaller toys to see if that feels better. You could also ask your partner to go slowly and check out different areas and moves to see which ones feel better. Plus adding more lube is almost always a good idea!
13. “How do you know if you are as*xual or just have a fear of intim@cy?”
—Anonymous
Skyler: This question is very hard to answer. I believe that someone can be as*xual and not be afraid of closeness, or they can be as*xual because they are afraid of intimAcy. How each person came to understand and deal with their s*xuality is unique. A lot of people on the as*xual spectrum are happy in relationships with little or no s*x. These people are not as*xual because they are afraid of closeness, but because they are not s*xually aroused or interested.
But there are as*xual people who had a hard childhood and found it very dangerous or impossible to be close to others, either because they were neglected or abused, or both. While some people grow up only knowing that relationships can be dangerous, others learn that they can also be safe. As people become adults, they often try to avoid feeling weak in a relationship. Staying away from s*x is one way that people protect themselves from being vulnerable and close.
14. “Though physically it feels good, I can’t climax with my partner, two years into our relationship. We are a female-male heteros*xual relationship, but we both identify as queer and bis*xual, respectively.”
—Anonymous
Pitagora: Even though I try not to guess about s*xuality, I’m going to assume there’s some kind of unasked question about org*sms since there isn’t one here. That org*sm question could be something like, “Why am I not org*sming? Should I be worried about it? Is there something I can do to org*sm?” I’ll start by saying that all of us have been taught that org*sms are the point of s*x like the ending that tells us s*x is over. And I think this is completely wrong.
S*x should be about all the different kinds of pleasure you get. You already know that you can be happy without having an org*sm. You and your partner can have an org*sm if you talk about what feels good and try new things. Before that can happen, though, you should probably stop being so stressed out about having an org*sm. If you feel like you have to come a lot, it’s less likely to happen. The first thing that might help is to just have fun without trying to org*sm. Then wait and see what happens.
15. “I’m 35 years old and getting a divorce.” I’ve been with my (soon-to-be-ex)husband for more than ten years. A lot of things we didn’t do, like kinks and even some pre-play tasks, are on my list to do now. Being my age and having no idea what I’m doing makes me feel so bad about myself. Google can only take you so far. How can I learn more about these things so that I feel somewhat ready for the acts?”
Pitagora: While masturbating, you can do a lot of different things, like play with toys while you’re exploring. Since you know your body best, you’ll be the best person to tell you what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Stop thinking about how old you are and what you’ve done in the past. Instead, think about the things you’d like to do with other people and by yourself.
I think you didn’t talk about a lot of things with your ex since you didn’t do many things with them. A big part of this journey will be learning how to talk about what you want and what makes you feel good. You can begin by doing this with a s*x-positive doctor, a friend you trust, or people you date. (Yes, there are also s*x-negative doctors out there, and you should try to stay away from them!)
