Note: This story discusses s*xual and emotional abus*.
According to statistics, almost 50% of American women and men have been the victims of psychological abus* in a relationship. Furthermore, an estimated 10 million Americans are impacted by family and domestic violence each year, which includes abus* of children, intim@te partners, and elders.
The fact that these figures are so high implies, regrettably, that you probably know or have known someone who has been abus*d in a social connection, even if they were initially unaware of it.
Therefore, I was prompted to question, “What is abus* and people don’t realize it?” by Reddit user akand_1. To assist in distinguishing between some of the various forms of abus*, I thought it might be beneficial to go over some of the responses below. Below is what they had to say:
1. “Sibling rivalry when parental supervision is lacking. Man, I’m amazed at how prevalent and unaddressed sibling abus* is. Unruly kids combined with neglectful parents spells doom.”
“Or setting up the sibling rivalry in the first place.”
“The twins who my brother graduated with were salutatorian and valedictorian. My brother and his pals used to joke that their dad would always put one of their photographs on the fridge higher than the other when they arrived home. He later learned that they actually did do that and that it was a problem they had to cope with all their lives.”
2. “Harnessing therapy speaks to absolving oneself of accountability.”
“The abus* and exploitation of boundaries is my favorite example. Establishing boundaries is a means for you to control your own actions for your own safety; they are not directives to be applied to other individuals.
A true barrier maybe something like, “I don’t feel safe around you when you drink.” I can’t be around you if you’re drinking. A fictitious barrier that says, “I don’t like it when you drink around me.” Abus*rs utilize concepts such as the famous one: “My boundaries are that you can’t say no because they’re mine.” Others include: “You have to text me constantly when we’re not together. You can’t go out without me.” Because it appears as though the victim is hurting their abus*r by rejecting them, it closes them down.”
—u/Em29ca
3. “Wives who use their sons as stand-in partners for spouses or boyfriends. These moms behave as though they are being betrayed if their sons dare to date or get married.”
4. “Invalidating your feelings by making it about them and how you hold them accountable is upsetting them.”
“Whenever my mom doesn’t like what I’m saying, she always goes, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’m the worst mother in the world, and your childhood was awful.'” Like, screw off; you know that’s not what I’m saying.”
—u/SheepPup
5. “Neglect. Neglect IS abus*.”
“I found it difficult to accept this one. My mother was being physically mistreated and had terrible mental health, so it wasn’t like she was intentionally ignoring me. Nonetheless, it constitutes abus* and neglect. Now that our connection is strong, she fully accepts responsibility for my CPTSD.”
6. “Manipulation under the guise of caring for what happens to you.”
“Love but with conditions. My stepson’s dad is this way: ‘If you tell me you’re having fun at your mom’s house it means you don’t love me.’
He can’t celebrate his joy unless it’s with him.”
“Trying to ‘test’ people’s food allergies because they don’t believe them or trying to sneak a food someone doesn’t like into a dish to prove them wrong.”
“My grandma gives my cousin’s child peanuts any chance she gets, luckily his allergy isn’t severe, but he still gets hives and ends up miserable.”
8. “Persisting in a particular conduct after being repeatedly requested to quit by the person you are impacting. The attitude “But-I’m-Not-Touching-You” might lead to abusive actions.
9. “Screaming. A person’s neurological system will be harmed after years of being cautious.”
“It’s crazy how my reactive default behavior with my own children has become shouting, since my parents used to do a lot of it when I was younger. I detest doing it. I truly try not to do it. Additionally, I realize that I apologize to my kids more often than I would like to since I’ve come to accept that shouting at misbehaving kids is the standard reaction. My parents defaulted to that, so even though I know intellectually that it’s not a good response, it doesn’t change that it’s what I do too.
I am recovering. But I had never shouted at anyone in my life until having children. And because I felt I was a very patient person, I assumed that gentle parenting would come naturally to me. However, the way you’re raised can catch you off guard, and I want my children to outperform me.”
10. “Abus* in response. In essence, abus*rs will repeatedly probe and prod until their victim erupts in anger. The abus*r will then exploit this response to support their actions or to mislead and gaslight the victim even more.”
—u/HuggyMummy
There appears to be a trend where one person blocks the other and won’t talk, even when it comes to significant issues that call for cooperation. The stonewaller then points to that and accuses abus* when the other side reaches its limit and screams or becomes verbally abusive. Yelling may appear abusive from the outside, but abus* that goes unnoticed occurs when someone refuses to cooperate when it comes to crucial issues like shared funds, parenting choices, etc.”
11. “Managing the money of both sides. Being the primary provider in addition to embarrassing the other person for making purchases and/or asking for their salary.”
“It was caused by my former partner’s careless spending and inability to contribute to the cost of groceries, gas, or utilities. Even though he was the primary provider and I had very little left over after paying for all the necessities in our shared house, I began paying our gas, electricity, Internet, and other utilities on my credit card since they were shut off so regularly. He was free to spend money any way he pleased. Utilizing weaponized stupidity to exploit money.”
—u/cptn_leela
12. “Maintaining proper hygiene and failing to teach your kids basic personal care and hygiene.” Until recently, I had no idea that this was a typical occurrence with narcissistic parents.”
I’m become aware of this as an adult. My relatives would make fun of me for things like taking care of my hair, knowing how to apply cosmetics, shopping for clothes, and basic cleanliness. That and ‘common sense’ maintenance when I was a little older, such as changing your car’s oil or even something as simple as knowing when to clean the toilet or do the laundry. or how to make food.
They relished making fun of me for things they should have taught me, but I didn’t know this until I was an adult and in therapy.
Thank goodness for the invention of the Internet. That has helped me catch up, along with my saint of a husband and a very patient and caring family group.”
13. “Messing with someone’s sleep.”
“My ex-partner would only get ‘ restless leg syndrome’ on the evenings I didn’t want to go out. He would fiercely move his leg, rocking the entire bed. He would follow me, screaming, “I wish my fu*king girlfriend would want to sleep in the same bed as me,” as I got up to go sleep on the sofa.
I would inform him that when he shakes the bed, I can’t fall asleep. I have no choice; it’s my RLS! Alright, I’ll sleep on the sofa from now on. “I wish my fu*king girlfriend would choose to share my bed!” repeatedly on repeat for a very long time. I had to move back home with my parents and sleep on my horrible futon after I dumped him, but I slept well on the awful futon after that!”
14. “Stonewalling a partner.”
As someone who is experiencing this, it hurts my body. When I was going through it, I was interested in this, and it turns out that there is genuine science to back the idea that experiencing social exclusion triggers the same brain regions as experiencing physical pain.”
15. “Driving recklessly with you in the car.”
16. “Telling a youngster what emotions they ought to experience, such as “you should be sorry, you should be glad, and you should be appreciative.” It demonstrates to the youngster how little the parent genuinely worries about their emotional well-being. To them, the youngster is merely a doll that they feel they can manipulate. My dad once told me, “You should be happy because I didn’t shoot her,” after my cat’s leg and tail broke. He did it, and I will never forgive him.”
17. “Legal parenthood. It wasn’t typical for me to be cooking and changing my siblings’ diapers at the age of eight, as I recently discovered in therapy.”
18. “When you’re upset, use personal information that someone has shared with you against them. When my spouse acts in this way, he attempts to pass it off as “constructive” behavior rather than just cruelty. And I’m sick of being portrayed as the villain whenever I get angry, so I’m trying to get my act together to blow this off.”
—u/dixiequick
19. “Not letting people express negative emotions because it’s ‘negativity.'”
20. “Narcissism with altruism. People who genuinely try to be of great assistance to everyone in their vicinity, but it’s all a ruse. They only want everyone to think well of them; they genuinely couldn’t care less about you or what you go through.”
“And then, the moment you have any issue with them at all, they turn their “good actions” into weapons against you, saying things like, ‘I’ve done so much for you, how could you!'” You ought to feel appreciative!”
21 “Breaking things while angry with their partner/kid (punching a hole in the wall for example).”
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abus*, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.
